Is the Glass Half Full or Half Empty? It’s Your Self Talk That Knows for Sure
Imagine two people waiting in line at the grocery store. Due to new Covid-19 cleaning procedures the process often creates a back up of customers trying to check-out. One person standing in the lengthy line believes he is trapped, saying to himself, “I can’t believe how much time I am wasting at this store, I’m vaccinated, why do I need to wait for this extra cleaning?” and “I have go to get out of here and if the clerk doesn’t speed it up, I think I’m going to lose it right here, right now.” What he feels is anger, anxiety and frustration. The second person views the situation as an opportunity to relax and finds herself humming to the piped-in background store music. She looks past the lengthy line and notices the magazine rack off to the side, recognizes the face of a favorite actor and decides to grab the publication and leisurely page through, catching up on a bit of the Hollywood glitz that she finds pleasantly distracting. Person number two is feeling a sense of calm, acceptance and is at ease with the present situation. In both cases, the check out line is exactly the same, but the feelings in response to the situation are very different and have been self created by each individual’s internal monologue, or what is commonly referred to as ‘self talk’.
Self talk is the continuous stream of unspoken thoughts, both good and bad, that run through our minds.
The source of these thoughts is generated either based on logical reasoning, or, on misconceptions that a person creates on their own when there is a lack of information or knowledge. This lack of information may cause a person to “fill in the blanks” with misinformation, which in turn, can result in negative self talk. Negative self talk impacts how we view ourselves and the world around us. It is not to say that negative things won’t occur and bring with them negative thoughts, but producing more negative thoughts than positive on a regular basis, can greatly impact your mental health and the way you view your world.
So how do you identify negative self talk? A good starting point is to look at examples of some common forms;
Filtering- Filtering occurs when a person focuses on the negative aspects of a situation and filters out the positive. An example of this would be: A spouse vacuums and dusts the entire house and has dinner waiting on the table for the family and when the family offers praise for the sparkling home and the delicious food, the spouse can only think about the two loads of wash that they didn’t get to that day.
Personalizing - In the event that something bad occurs, the thought pattern of this person will be to find reason to blame themselves. Learning that the group has decided to cancel lunch plans, the person using personalizing will produce thoughts that the lunch was indeed canceled because the others did not want to be around them.
Catastrophizing- A person with this thought pattern automatically resorts to the worst possible outcome. An example of this type of negative thinking is illustrated by the person who spills coffee on themselves at breakfast and then automatically thinks that the rest of the day will be filled with mishaps.
Polarizing- This type of thinking has no room for middle ground, but rather focuses on the extremes, good vs. bad, right vs. wrong. The thought is that unless it is perfect, you are a failure.
Strategies to Improving Your Self Talk
It takes awareness and practice, but a person can learn to replace negative thoughts. It may take some time to internalize this new habit, but the next steps will get you on the path.
1. Focus in and notice (start small)- Take a look at your life and focus in on one area; a relationship, work, a daily routine, for example, and begin to notice your thoughts. Notice if your thoughts are mostly positive or mostly negative.
2. Evaluate your thoughts
Check in with yourself throughout the day and notice, if thoughts tend to be mostly negative, see if you can find a way to put a more positive spin on them. If they are mostly positive, notice, and feel good about yourself and your thinking.
3. Use Compassion- Don’t be too hard on yourself if you begin to notice that the majority of your thoughts appear negative. Noticing is a good first step toward change, and you are now one step closer.
4. Practice Good Self Care- A person who is more relaxed, rested and at ease will undoubtedly have any easier time engaging in positive self talk. Do your best to practice behaviors that help mange your stress.
5. Positivity Can Be Contagious- Make it a point to surround yourself with positive thinkers. Supportive people who provide you with positive modeling make for an easier journey.
6. Practice Breeds Improvement- Notice examples of negative thinking and then counter it with something positive. The more practice you get the more automatic it will become. Using gratitude while working on positive thinking is a good strategy to practice as well and can help you generate more positive thoughts.
So the next time you find yourself in a long check out line, use the time to flip through a magazine or hum a song, remembering, you can’t change the length of the line, but you can change how you think about it.
