A Little Anxiety Can Be OK
6 Tips to Validate your Child’s Feelings Without Reinforcing their Fears
As parents we often feel the need to take on super-hero powers to help our kids manage their anxious feelings. Some may feel like it’s written in the parent job description to do whatever is possible to help children deal with anxious feelings. What parents often miss in this repeatable cycle is that this short term fix can actually reinforce the fear. The child learns that when they voice feelings of anxious distress, someone (the parent) takes it away. For a little while the child feels better, but this is short- lived because the child has not faced their fear. While reassurance in the moment seems appropriate, it is strengthening the fear for the future. So what can a parent do? Here are 6 tips to keep in mind:
1. Develop Coping Skills- A better goal than eliminating your child’s anxiety is to help them develop their own coping strategies to manage it. As parents we don’t enjoy seeing our children unhappy, but teaching them to sit with anxiety and tolerate the feelings, even when they are anxious, is best. Using this approach will result in a decrease or even elimination of the anxiety in the long term.
2. Avoid Avoiding- Sometimes a natural reaction to anxiety is to avoid the things causing the anxious feelings and, in the short term, the child will feel relief. But this avoidance actually reinforces the anxiety in the long term. A child who cries or gets upset in response to anxious feelings, who is then removed from the situation by their parent, has now learned this as a coping strategy and this cycle (anxious = cry = parent removes me) has a high probability of repeating itself.
3. Provide Support - Validating that the fear is present for your child and then providing support which focuses on the child’s strengths is best. “You have done well in the past and I saw you study several extra hours for your Math exam so I am confident that you will be able to manage the anxiety you are feeling about the exam.” This response example allows your child to hear that they are understood, but also focuses on your confidence, that you believe your child has the coping skills needed to face the anxious feelings.
4. Don’t Reinforce the Fears- Children look to their parents for guidance and direction. Being aware of your own fears and being careful not to impose them onto your child is key.
5. Be Aware of Anticipatory Time- The time leading up to a feared situation can work to intensify a child’s fear. There is little benefit to announcing at breakfast, to the child who fears needles, that they will be seeing the doctor that afternoon. Hiding the appointment is not suggested, but shortening the anticipatory time is a positive strategy.
6. Model the Behavior- You are your child’s first teacher. Providing them examples on how you cope with your own anxiety is important. Pretending that you don’t have anxieties is harmful and sends a conflicting message. Pointing out healthy ways you use to tolerate and handle your own stressors allows your child to see that anxiety is manageable and is a normal part of life.
